Positively Weightless

I think it is safe to say that a lot of us are spending some of our precious time thinking about all of the "what ifs" right now. What if Covid never hit last year and we did not need to cancel an incredibly important event of my life that I had scheduled last year What if I had used the extra time at home to focus on my health. What if I could go back and do it all again? I think every single one of us thinks this way at some point or another. I myself and incredibly guilty of this. I talked last week about mental health and shared my experience with how some things had been taking a toll on me last week, and today I wanted to continue forward with a similar theme. What if we had done so many things differently last year?

Personally there are a lot of things I would have changed about the last year. In so many ways it felt like a wasted year. It was filled with the same mundane tasks day after day with very little to change it up since we were, and still are in some ways, very limited with how we could change things up. Now the entire time I tried my best to keep this page positive and share ways to stay positive throughout, but I only recently realized I was not actually taking my own advice through all of that time. For one I really struggled with my weight, making good food choices, and working out completely fell on the backburner. I am to this day struggling to find the motivation I had pre-Covid, but working on it. I can very easily say if I could go back I would have done everything in my power to make sure that motivation was never lost. Genuinely what was accomplished last year? On the surface, the answer to that question seems to be pretty much nothing. That is my very first gut reaction, but when I really sit to think about things, that is so far from the truth.

First and foremost, I did my part to not spread the virus to the ones I love, managed to not get sick myself, have the first vaccine in me, and overall managed to stay healthy. Now I am not here to get into the Covid debates, push a vaccine, or anything political of the sorts that came out of this pandemic, but overall my point is that I want you to remember that if you are feeling a similar way, lacking any pride in accomplishments from the past 12-14 months, I want you to first and foremost remember you are still here! You are still pushing through day to day life, even if just barely, and a year into this madness you are getting by. If you are like me and are disappointed in their weight and lack of progress over the past year, remember that your body has literally carried you through a year of a GLOBAL PANDEMIC and everything that came along with that for you personally.

Stepping away from the weight aspect of things, there are still plenty of other bright sides I can find. Anyone that knows me personally, and I believe I even mentioned here before, that I was fully set to move into my own place last spring. Covid obviously prevented that from happening due to restrictions with viewing apartments and a lack of availability, and just some personal reasons as well. This was a blessing in disguise. Firstly had I been at an apartment by myself at the start of lockdown in my state, and I would have literally no social interaction at all, I fear what my mental health would have looked liked at this point in the pandemic. Being quarantined with family, although sure we ticked each other off at times, was so much better than being stuck in an apartment by myself not being able to visit anyone. Had I moved out then I wouldn't be moving into the adorable place I am going to be moving into next month either. Truly that is something that worked out for the best.

Overall I want you all to remember to count your blessings. I think every last one of us is mourning something from the last year. Do your best to find the positive in that. As any of you that have read this page before knows, I am a firm believer in the everything happens for a reason philosophy. Perhaps this entire pandemic happened to teach us all as a human race some humility. If that is the case I think it is pretty clear to see which ones of us are lacking in that department. Maybe the past year was the universe setting all the dominos into place and once this is all behind us, the first will fall causing a chain reaction of blessings in every single one of our lives. Try your best to look on the bright side. Choose to have faith. Choose to forgive yourself for where you may have messed up last year, and remember to thank yourself for getting you to this very moment. Look back, but only for long enough to improve your path towards the future.

 Happy Sunday everyone! Wow it really has been a while and it is almost to the point that sitting down to write on a Sunday afternoon feels a little odd to me. I have been gone from this page since late February. I announced that little hiatus on all of the social media pages I share more blog on, but I never actually explained I would be gone on here so I wanted to talk a little bit about my absence on today's post because I think it could really benefit someone who was struggling in the same way I was. I think a lot of us are experiencing what I am seeing referred to as "Covid burnout" and there have been a lot of struggles that people are experiencing with it all. Some far more extreme than others of course, so I just wanted to take some time to talk about what it was like for me. Before I dive in, however, I want to encourage anyone that may be suffering with sever anxiety or depression in general, but also because of the events of the world over the last year, to seek help the best way they know how. Trust yourself and listen to your gut instincts. If you think you need some professional help please seek it. You are not weak by doing so! 

Towards the end of February I was finding myself in one of the biggest ruts I ever have been. Part of me felt guilty for that. Yes Covid is still very much around but it has not had the same impact on me as it had one someone who lost a loved one or was even sick themselves. I felt my mental health seriously suffering and I felt I had no room to feel that way. I have my job still, I have my health, I still have all of my loved ones, so what right did I have to feel anxious or depressed? The truth behind that is we all have our own struggles. Yes sometimes they are not as big as others but that does not mean they do not matter. If you are feeling a certain way, that feeling is valid. Never let someone downplay your struggles because they have their own. You are allowed to have a bad day. You are allowed to have a bad month, year, etc. 

I was doing so well keeping it together because I was not allowing myself to truly grieve about the things I was sad about. Looking back over the span of a year I had lost a very good friend from work to cancer who I did not get to visit in the last months of her life. I still have not been able to meet my best friend's son or see her because of the pandemic, which was a mutual decision for everyone's safety and there are of course no hard feelings there but it still is sad too. My boss's wife, who I am very close with, has not been able to visit me and I have not seen her in person for over a year now. My sister was unable to walk the stage for her graduation ceremony and I was not able to be there cheering her on they way she cheered me on at mine 7 years ago. I had to cancel a really special trip with my long time best friends, one of which also had to postpone her wedding. I could probably keep going on and on about all the things big and small like this that I was grieving over, but not truly allowing myself to grieve. The past year has brought so much loss to so many people and I think a lot of us, like me, have been suppressing it.

So what did I do? Just like the last post on this page, I put me first. This page was started to feel like more of a chore since my heart wasn't in it, so I decided to take a much needed break. I would rather take the time off than just keep posting posts that my heart wasn't in at all. I took a few days off of work last month as well just for mental health days. Luckily, as I have many times before said, my bosses are really cool about my days off so they were more than happy to approve those days off because they both know how overwhelmed with work I was becoming as well. I found myself a new hobby as well which I highly recommend. On one of those days off I went to the craft store for a few supplies and a set of watercolor paints caught my eye. It was on sale for $7 so I grabbed it and I have been watercolor painting every single day since then. I am no Van Gogh yet, but I think my skills are already improving with practice. But regardless if I am improving or not the most important thing is that I am doing it for me. No deadlines or special requests. Just painting. I have very much been putting me first and I already feel so much better.

Here is one of the paintings I have done as I am learning.

With improvements comes additional things to improve on. I will be honest, my gym schedule (or lack thereof) has been an absolute mess. I am struggling to find the motivation to keep going with my workouts and not making the best food choices, but I am doing my best to set myself up to get back on track. I would love to do more reading again and write more poetry, because that too was suffering while I was feeling down. My biggest piece of advice to you is to also recognize these things and seek help when you need it. If you need a few mental health days take them. I know not all bosses are as chill as mine but you are entitled to your paid time off so you are allowed to use them. I would highly suggest a no pressure hobby like I found in watercolor painting too. Something you just do for you. You don't even have to be any good at it as long as you enjoy it. Most importantly, however, is that if you need help seek it. I cannot stress that enough.

Thank you so very much for sticking around for this post all about me, but I felt it was necessary in my return. I am looking forward to getting right back to my same routine starting now.