Happy Sunday everyone! Wow it really has been a while and it is almost to the point that sitting down to write on a Sunday afternoon feels a little odd to me. I have been gone from this page since late February. I announced that little hiatus on all of the social media pages I share more blog on, but I never actually explained I would be gone on here so I wanted to talk a little bit about my absence on today's post because I think it could really benefit someone who was struggling in the same way I was. I think a lot of us are experiencing what I am seeing referred to as "Covid burnout" and there have been a lot of struggles that people are experiencing with it all. Some far more extreme than others of course, so I just wanted to take some time to talk about what it was like for me. Before I dive in, however, I want to encourage anyone that may be suffering with sever anxiety or depression in general, but also because of the events of the world over the last year, to seek help the best way they know how. Trust yourself and listen to your gut instincts. If you think you need some professional help please seek it. You are not weak by doing so! 

Towards the end of February I was finding myself in one of the biggest ruts I ever have been. Part of me felt guilty for that. Yes Covid is still very much around but it has not had the same impact on me as it had one someone who lost a loved one or was even sick themselves. I felt my mental health seriously suffering and I felt I had no room to feel that way. I have my job still, I have my health, I still have all of my loved ones, so what right did I have to feel anxious or depressed? The truth behind that is we all have our own struggles. Yes sometimes they are not as big as others but that does not mean they do not matter. If you are feeling a certain way, that feeling is valid. Never let someone downplay your struggles because they have their own. You are allowed to have a bad day. You are allowed to have a bad month, year, etc. 

I was doing so well keeping it together because I was not allowing myself to truly grieve about the things I was sad about. Looking back over the span of a year I had lost a very good friend from work to cancer who I did not get to visit in the last months of her life. I still have not been able to meet my best friend's son or see her because of the pandemic, which was a mutual decision for everyone's safety and there are of course no hard feelings there but it still is sad too. My boss's wife, who I am very close with, has not been able to visit me and I have not seen her in person for over a year now. My sister was unable to walk the stage for her graduation ceremony and I was not able to be there cheering her on they way she cheered me on at mine 7 years ago. I had to cancel a really special trip with my long time best friends, one of which also had to postpone her wedding. I could probably keep going on and on about all the things big and small like this that I was grieving over, but not truly allowing myself to grieve. The past year has brought so much loss to so many people and I think a lot of us, like me, have been suppressing it.

So what did I do? Just like the last post on this page, I put me first. This page was started to feel like more of a chore since my heart wasn't in it, so I decided to take a much needed break. I would rather take the time off than just keep posting posts that my heart wasn't in at all. I took a few days off of work last month as well just for mental health days. Luckily, as I have many times before said, my bosses are really cool about my days off so they were more than happy to approve those days off because they both know how overwhelmed with work I was becoming as well. I found myself a new hobby as well which I highly recommend. On one of those days off I went to the craft store for a few supplies and a set of watercolor paints caught my eye. It was on sale for $7 so I grabbed it and I have been watercolor painting every single day since then. I am no Van Gogh yet, but I think my skills are already improving with practice. But regardless if I am improving or not the most important thing is that I am doing it for me. No deadlines or special requests. Just painting. I have very much been putting me first and I already feel so much better.

Here is one of the paintings I have done as I am learning.

With improvements comes additional things to improve on. I will be honest, my gym schedule (or lack thereof) has been an absolute mess. I am struggling to find the motivation to keep going with my workouts and not making the best food choices, but I am doing my best to set myself up to get back on track. I would love to do more reading again and write more poetry, because that too was suffering while I was feeling down. My biggest piece of advice to you is to also recognize these things and seek help when you need it. If you need a few mental health days take them. I know not all bosses are as chill as mine but you are entitled to your paid time off so you are allowed to use them. I would highly suggest a no pressure hobby like I found in watercolor painting too. Something you just do for you. You don't even have to be any good at it as long as you enjoy it. Most importantly, however, is that if you need help seek it. I cannot stress that enough.

Thank you so very much for sticking around for this post all about me, but I felt it was necessary in my return. I am looking forward to getting right back to my same routine starting now.