Pardon me while I do my little walk of shame here. So far in 2021 I have taken quite a few breaks from posting on this page. There are a handful of reasons for that. I suppose this post I am going to talk about all those things and try and put a positive spin on it. 2021 has been the start of a lot of positive changes in my life and those all still stand, but let’s face it, the last year and a half have been nothing but stressful, worrisome, and all around miserable in some way or another for all of us. You would have to be living under a rock, a full-blown sociopath, or just overall not in touch with reality at all to say that the past year and a half has not in some way taken a toll on you. I don’t say any of that to be rude or mean but I just mean that I genuinely think everyone has been affected in some way, shape, or form. You are not weak or somehow less than because of that, trust me.

Let me start with the obvious. I have just not felt motivated in any sense of the word lately. I am not on a consistent gym schedule. I still make time for my hobbies but not even slightly in the way I would like to. Sure painting, reading, and writing are all things I enjoy doing, but it is the mental exhaustion that delays me from doing them as much as I would like. Work has been at times this year extremely busy, and we just are about to phase into our busiest time of the year. When I get home from work, I typically cook myself dinner or heat up leftovers, and then I have been trying to do something I enjoy after that. But after a long busy day at work it is a lot easier to just turn on the TV or play Animal Crossing… those are also hobbies which are fine to have, but I like to change it up for activities that engage my mind a bit more than that as well. I get the motivation to do them still in spurts, but not as much as I would like. This page has been a casualty of that as well.

To go off on that a bit more, my lack of motivation in updating this page as often as I would like to or as often as I used to would be a lack of positivity. Now I of course still try to be a positive person and keep that positive mental attitude (shoutout to Jacksepticeye, not trying to steal your logo!) every day and live my life in as positive of a mindset as possible, but it is also normal in life to not be so positive all the time. In fact, it is toxic to be like that all the time. Pain and suffering exist in this world and if we just try to ignore it or put a positive spin on those things instead of allowing ourselves to feel that emotion, it genuinely is going to take a mental toll on you. That is part of the reason I have lacked motivation to keep posting on this page lately. How can I sit here and preach positivity with all the horrible things consistently occurring in this world? Thousands of bodies of Native Americans being found at residential schools, people dying from all sorts of illnesses and diseases (including mental illnesses) some related to the pandemic, but not all, people just in general treating other human beings horribly. How am I going to sit around and say, “everything happens for a reason!” when all of this is going on in the world. It just hasn’t felt right to me lately.

Yes, I know that we probably need this positivity now more than ever, and I agree with that. Sometimes when darkness surrounds us, all we need is that little beacon of light to pull us through. But in a lot of ways there is a time and a place for it as well. I suppose my lesson here, as I have said on this page in the past, is to realize when the right moment for that beacon to shine through is. When we lose someone we love, the last thing we want to hear is that it was meant to happen or that everything happens for a reason. Sure, those words might ring true, but they need to be left unsaid until the time comes to fully be able to process and comprehend them. I think that is what I have been doing these past few months. Waiting on the proper time to assert my positivity through my page for not just my audience, but myself as well. I think I needed to let myself just slow down and process all the changes that have occurred over the past year and a half, both good and bad, and not focus so much on the pros and cons.

So what happens now? I am not giving up on my blog at all despite how it looks in my posting history for 2021. I think at this point I need to go back to posting when I feel up to it. Obviously, I have responsibilities in my personal life away from the internet that must take priority. I still love to write, but when it almost feels like a burden at some points because I have a consistent schedule, that is when it is time to take a step back and rework how I am doing things. I have loved writing since I was young, so I also do not want to ruin that by pushing myself. I want to keep my love of writing for life. I also do not want to put out posts that my heart really isn’t in, hence why I haven’t been pushing myself all these months to do so. I write these posts for myself first and foremost so if my mental health is going to suffer as a result, I obviously need to take a step back. I want to do my usually traditional post during the holidays so I will for sure be doing those, and I will post as often as I feel up to. I hope any readers I might have understand that.

Let’s finish up this year with a bang! The last thing I am going to do is let the state of the world keep me from enjoying the holidays with my loved ones. Halloween is just around the corner, Thanksgiving is fast approaching, and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t completely excited to decorate my own apartment for Christmas this year! I want to truly enjoy all these things so I am putting my mental health first to make sure that I can. I suggest you do too! Stay positive as best you can and always remember if you need to step back, that is okay too.